How to Not Want to Murder Your Mother This Christmas

How to Not Want to Murder Your Mother This Christmas

The biggest test of our spiritual development and progress with ‘egolessness’ is family.

As the spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle says, “To find out how ‘present’ you are, spend time with your family. This will quickly show you how free of ego you truly are!”

And for most of us, all it takes is a couple of hours or days with our family before old stuff gets triggered and our egos come out and fight, get defensive or feel victimised.

It makes sense that we get triggered by our families; they are the people that know us best, and whom we know best.

But often, the major conflict within families is exactly this: they think they know us best and we think we know them best. Therefore we perceive our families, and they perceive us, through the lens of ‘how we think the other is,’ and this causes problems.

When we share ‘past’ with other people, we can easily fall into the trap of seeing them only as ‘that person in the past,’ and we no longer see them for who they are now.

It’s difficult not to do this, and it doesn’t always create pain.

Throwing your arm over your younger brother’s shoulder and ruffling his hair, saying, “Heh, younger bro!” is probably not going to hurt his feelings, but if he starts to tell you that he’s excited about his new business venture, and you say, “Why are you doing that? You were never good at business!” you will shut him out and stifle his enthusiasm.

By claiming authority over him, and doing the ‘I know it better than you’, you sever the heart to heart connection between yourself and your sibling.

Think for a moment about how your family does this to you?

When do your siblings or parents claim authority over your situation? When do they only see you ‘through the lens of the person’ they think you were in the past?

It can be that nasty, casual comment your sister makes about your troubles with finding love or the remark from your father when you ask for juice instead of wine, that you are “sober now, and no fun anymore.”

It could be the way your mother prys into your affairs, asking you numerous times about work. And when you finally give in and tell her you’re looking for a new job, she sighs, shakes her head and launches into a tirade of advice and lectures, saying:

“You were always bad with sticking things out. When will you finally be able to follow things through?”

Or, “I would love to stop worrying about you but I can’t. You just can’t get your finances sorted. Geez.. you make me worry about you!”

Or perhaps, “You are always flitting from job to job, not wanting to be responsible. Money doesn’t grow on trees you know!”

No matter how much you try to tell her you’ve got it sorted and you are an adult now, she simply doesn’t listen. She waffles on and on, and the more she does, the more you can feel yourself reacting.

Then you start to get mad, and when she says that classic statement that tips you over the edge, “When will you ever learn?” you know you’re about to flip out and you want to murder your mother.

Suddenly the anger is steaming out of you. You’re so mad because she bullied you into telling her something you didn’t want to talk about, and now she is lecturing you about it!

You tell her to drop it but she keeps talking at you, and then you begin to yell. And now, she is screaming back, telling you that you have an anger problem.

Now you are enraged and your father comes into the room, yelling at both of you for yelling at each other.

Your brother comes into the room too, saying, “I’m sick of all the bickering and fighting in this family.” As he storms out he says to you, “Great work Sis. It always ends in a fight when you’re here!”

His comment stings, and now you are crying because you’re hurt that you’ve been blamed for this.

You’re also hurt because your mother isn’t listening to what you have to say about the your present circumstances, and she’s not seeing you for who you are now.

She is viewing you through the lens of the past, and she isn’t seeing you the way you want to be seen. Because of this, it’s become a family feud and you know there is no way to make peace with them all.

So you grab your car keys and head for the door.

Sobbing and shaking and you drive home, wondering why you ever thought Christmas would be different this year…..

Does this scenario sound familiar? I think most of us have experienced a version of this.

It’s devastatingly hurtful when we aren’t seen or heard. Or when we are blamed for something we feel we didn’t do.

But often, the deepest pain is the knowing that trying to change another person’s perception of us is futile.

We know we mostly can’t influence how people see us but we continue to try anyway. We know we can’t change the way other people mentally view, label and judge us but because we are desperate for love and acceptance, we try.

But this is like hitting your head against a brick wall when you are trying to head somewhere. (Doing this gets you nowhere and it hurts!).

Instead of trying to show others who you are in order to gain their love and acceptance, you need to relinquish the need for it.

What does it matter what others think of you? How does that make your life happy?

Can’t you exist harmoniously even if others think badly of you?

Think about this for a moment, and ask yourself this:

If my mother never approves of me and my life, would that stop me from being happy and experiencing love?

If my father continued to think of me as lazy or irresponsible, would that shut love out of my life?

Of course it wouldn’t.

You decide if there is love in your life or not. You decide how you want to feel. You create your destiny but to do this, you need to relinquish your attachment to approval and love from others.

The easiest way to do this is to be solid in yourself and your self-esteem. You do this by observing instead of reacting.

Watch what is being said and don’t take it personally, even if it is aimed at you to hurt you.

It is also important that you aren’t doing this to your parents and siblings. When are you seeing them through the past, and when are you claiming authority over them?

How have you become frozen and fixed in the way you see them? Are you not allowing them to grow and evolve?

Accepting another as they are at this point in time means to drop the ideas or the mental images you associate with them. It also means to leave them alone and stop trying to change them or show them who you think ‘they really are.’

To feel loved and connected this christmas, don’t sever the heart-to-heart connection by viewing your family through the mind.

Drop your thoughts, notions, ideas, perceptions, worry and concerns about them and open your heart chakra and be with them in the space of acceptance.

If you do this this Christmas, you’ll be amazed at the magic of true connection.

Wishing you a magical and light-filled christmas and holiday time.

in White Light + Love,


P.S. And if you feel like you want to murder your mother……… take a few deep breaths, drop into the body and open your heart. That way, even if your triggered you’ll be able to diffuse the fire instead of igniting it!

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  1. Leslie

    Anticipating a house full of 50+ people in and out over the next two days, this was a great thing for me to read today. Thank you for sharing your words.

  2.  | 

    Thank you for this! And merry Christmas!!

  3. Anita Brown

    Merry christmas belinda, thank you for all your love and inspiration over the year, very much appreciated x bless you

  4. Emma

    Love it Belinda! Thank you, and merry Christmas xo

  5.  | 

    Thank you Belinda! This is One of the Goals I’ve set for myself for 2014: learn tout release thé need for desire and acceptance. Any advice on that? Would be much appreciated! Merry Christmas everyone!

  6. Romy Poquet

    Dear Belinda,

    I had to cry reading this post.
    Today is 25th December, after 1 week at home with my parents in Spain, I was thinking, I would get crazy…losing my identity, needing to go back to my everydays life, be again 2000 Km. away from “home” and my parents to be able to feel myself, breath, come out of numbness, of this family-limbo-cloud where the feeling of time and space lose their meaning.
    Nevertheless, love won, I know they’re here now and will not always be so, they are getting old and need more and more my help, I live abroad. I try to honour them, deep breathly, dedicate this week to them , forget my ego, my wish for space and privacy. I would feel alone and missing them, being now at my other home.
    Thank you for reminding about the heart chakra.
    Happy Christmas, lots of love and white light,

  7. Mary Joy

    Thank you for another appropriate post for this time of the year Belinda. I have certainly felt tension around and that was spending Christmas with friends and not family. Maybe Christmas brings our inner child out to feel nurtured and loved and we hurt easily when our feelings are being ignored! I will certainly be more attentive and start spreading some good cheer around! Thank you always Belinda and a happy festive season to all. 🙂

  8. Mavis Urwin

    Thanks, Belinda. A timely message and I believe you speak from your own heart and experience.

  9.  | 

    Oh Belinda!

    Just reading the first few lines and it totally makes sense.
    It was only the other day at my Nan’s house, she was talking about my cousin and her medical problems (which are very similar to what I’ve been through in the past).
    For some reason I cannot understand I had to pipe up about my problems, like I wanted them to worry about me or to know “hey! I’m important too.”
    I felt like it wasn’t even me talking, being all self-righteous and saying “yes, well I’m fine now, after that scare with…” haha, it makes me laugh how funny the ego is!

    Happy Holidays

  10. Lori

    I didn’t read this until today, better late than never…….and I just emailed it to my family. Breathing peacefully now. Many, MANY thanks for this Belinda. I think you know how much I appreciate it. xo. L

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