The biggest test of our spiritual development and progress with ‘egolessness’ is family.
As the spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle says, “To find out how ‘present’ you are, spend time with your family. This will quickly show you how free of ego you truly are!”
And for most of us, all it takes is a couple of hours or days with our family before old stuff gets triggered and our egos come out and fight, get defensive or feel victimised.
It makes sense that we get triggered by our families; they are the people that know us best, and whom we know best.
But often, the major conflict within families is exactly this: they think they know us best and we think we know them best. Therefore we perceive our families, and they perceive us, through the lens of ‘how we think the other is,’ and this causes problems.
When we share ‘past’ with other people, we can easily fall into the trap of seeing them only as ‘that person in the past,’ and we no longer see them for who they are now.
It’s difficult not to do this, and it doesn’t always create pain.
Throwing your arm over your younger brother’s shoulder and ruffling his hair, saying, “Heh, younger bro!” is probably not going to hurt his feelings, but if he starts to tell you that he’s excited about his new business venture, and you say, “Why are you doing that? You were never good at business!” you will shut him out and stifle his enthusiasm.
By claiming authority over him, and doing the ‘I know it better than you’, you sever the heart to heart connection between yourself and your sibling.
Think for a moment about how your family does this to you?
When do your siblings or parents claim authority over your situation? When do they only see you ‘through the lens of the person’ they think you were in the past?
It can be that nasty, casual comment your sister makes about your troubles with finding love or the remark from your father when you ask for juice instead of wine, that you are “sober now, and no fun anymore.”
It could be the way your mother prys into your affairs, asking you numerous times about work. And when you finally give in and tell her you’re looking for a new job, she sighs, shakes her head and launches into a tirade of advice and lectures, saying:
“You were always bad with sticking things out. When will you finally be able to follow things through?”
Or, “I would love to stop worrying about you but I can’t. You just can’t get your finances sorted. Geez.. you make me worry about you!”
Or perhaps, “You are always flitting from job to job, not wanting to be responsible. Money doesn’t grow on trees you know!”
No matter how much you try to tell her you’ve got it sorted and you are an adult now, she simply doesn’t listen. She waffles on and on, and the more she does, the more you can feel yourself reacting.
Then you start to get mad, and when she says that classic statement that tips you over the edge, “When will you ever learn?” you know you’re about to flip out and you want to murder your mother.
Suddenly the anger is steaming out of you. You’re so mad because she bullied you into telling her something you didn’t want to talk about, and now she is lecturing you about it!
You tell her to drop it but she keeps talking at you, and then you begin to yell. And now, she is screaming back, telling you that you have an anger problem.
Now you are enraged and your father comes into the room, yelling at both of you for yelling at each other.
Your brother comes into the room too, saying, “I’m sick of all the bickering and fighting in this family.” As he storms out he says to you, “Great work Sis. It always ends in a fight when you’re here!”
His comment stings, and now you are crying because you’re hurt that you’ve been blamed for this.
You’re also hurt because your mother isn’t listening to what you have to say about the your present circumstances, and she’s not seeing you for who you are now.
She is viewing you through the lens of the past, and she isn’t seeing you the way you want to be seen. Because of this, it’s become a family feud and you know there is no way to make peace with them all.
So you grab your car keys and head for the door.
Sobbing and shaking and you drive home, wondering why you ever thought Christmas would be different this year…..
Does this scenario sound familiar? I think most of us have experienced a version of this.
It’s devastatingly hurtful when we aren’t seen or heard. Or when we are blamed for something we feel we didn’t do.
But often, the deepest pain is the knowing that trying to change another person’s perception of us is futile.
We know we mostly can’t influence how people see us but we continue to try anyway. We know we can’t change the way other people mentally view, label and judge us but because we are desperate for love and acceptance, we try.
But this is like hitting your head against a brick wall when you are trying to head somewhere. (Doing this gets you nowhere and it hurts!).
Instead of trying to show others who you are in order to gain their love and acceptance, you need to relinquish the need for it.
What does it matter what others think of you? How does that make your life happy?
Can’t you exist harmoniously even if others think badly of you?
Think about this for a moment, and ask yourself this:
If my mother never approves of me and my life, would that stop me from being happy and experiencing love?
If my father continued to think of me as lazy or irresponsible, would that shut love out of my life?
Of course it wouldn’t.
You decide if there is love in your life or not. You decide how you want to feel. You create your destiny but to do this, you need to relinquish your attachment to approval and love from others.
The easiest way to do this is to be solid in yourself and your self-esteem. You do this by observing instead of reacting.
Watch what is being said and don’t take it personally, even if it is aimed at you to hurt you.
It is also important that you aren’t doing this to your parents and siblings. When are you seeing them through the past, and when are you claiming authority over them?
How have you become frozen and fixed in the way you see them? Are you not allowing them to grow and evolve?
Accepting another as they are at this point in time means to drop the ideas or the mental images you associate with them. It also means to leave them alone and stop trying to change them or show them who you think ‘they really are.’
To feel loved and connected this christmas, don’t sever the heart-to-heart connection by viewing your family through the mind.
Drop your thoughts, notions, ideas, perceptions, worry and concerns about them and open your heart chakra and be with them in the space of acceptance.
If you do this this Christmas, you’ll be amazed at the magic of true connection.
Wishing you a magical and light-filled christmas and holiday time.
in White Light + Love,
Belinda
P.S. And if you feel like you want to murder your mother……… take a few deep breaths, drop into the body and open your heart. That way, even if your triggered you’ll be able to diffuse the fire instead of igniting it!
Great post Belinda, wish i had read it earlier, but better late than never. Very good advice which i will endevour to take on board! Happy new year! 🙂